5 years. When I write it out it doesn’t seem like that could be very long ago, but yet in my mind it seems like a lifetime. So many changes since the day you left us. I think I have grown a lot. I hope I have. I still think of you everyday. Sometimes when I have a particularly frustrating day, I remember you and I think of how you would have handled the same situation and realize that you were a very kind, gentle and loving human being. I want to be like you. I hope I am. I remember standing in the line at your funeral as all your friends came to hug us and tell us how much they loved you. Hundreds and hundreds of people told me you were their “best friend.” How did you do it? How did you love and be loved by so many people?
The day you died, a hole was left in my life. The last final years of your life I pulled away. I was trying to figure out who I was and I don’t think I was very patient with you. I should have served you more and helped you with anything you needed. I regret not being in AZ, but being so far away in Utah. And now I find myself in NYC. There are so many people here and I wonder if you would be proud of me. If you would be proud of the person, the man that I have become. I can only hope that you would as I try to mold my life after yours. I know I am not perfect, but I hope that someday people will say it was an honor to know me as so many told me in regards to you. You touched many many lives including mine.
I was remembering the other day how as a kid i sometimes felt cheated (especially as you got more and more sick) that I didn’t have a dad that could go do things that other dads would do. But now looking back I realize I was the luckiest kid in the whole world. I got to have a dad that was home with us all the time. I don’t think that I would feel the same way about you had we not been able to spend my childhood with both of my parents home. I miss watching movies with you and Uncle Bill and Richard. I miss taking your ginormous mug into short stop and filling it up with pop, and you getting mad when we would drink all of it. I miss shooting the black powder gun on New Years eve and the parties that we would have. I miss sitting next to you in the shed as you would plain boards or watching you make things. I even miss weeding the garden.
This day is particularly hard for me every year. 5 years. I wish you were still here. Sometimes I just want to call you still and have you tell me everything is going to be alright or just to hear your laugh or jokes. They say that missing someone gets easier over time and that time heals everything. I don’t know that that is true as I still miss you every single day. But I now think of you in happiness and not the sadness and grief that I once felt. I try to remember all the things about you that made you special and I try to bring those special qualities into my own life. Wherever you are tonight Dad, know we love you and we miss you terribly. Oh, and give Grandma Elda a hug and let her know we miss her too, and her famous sugar cookies.
Love Always,
Michael
